Nice

How do we arrest our national nosedive into incivility?

I’ve pondered this question to no good outcome. Until yesterday.

I have feared writing today. Feared that my perspective would be dismissed as simplistic and I excoriated for putting forward a dumb idea.

Overthinking complex issues can lead to paralyzed thinking. As I lay awake last night, anticipating my keyboard this morning, I realized my new perspective is the first momentum I’ve felt about our situation in many months. So, here goes.

I think our singular option is to be nice to one another. That’s it.

Be nice.

Here’s my thinking: What’s the alternative? We are currently being nasty to one another and getting absolutely nowhere except deeper into the divide.

What would happen if we stopped? If you stopped? If I stopped?

And instead determined to be nice?

But they’re killing babies! They’re separating families! They’re sabotaging our financial system! They’re ruining our country! They’re destroying the Constitution! They’re being unreasonable! They’re Christian, they’re racist, they’re illegal, they’re old white men, they’re Democrats, they’re Republicans, socialists, pigs.

They’re disgusting, deplorable, dumb, unamerican, stupid, unthinking, immoral, unethical.

Yes, I know.

My friend won. He ruined me. He ruined us.

Here’s the deal: If you label me an unkind name, you have ZERO chance of resolving your differences with me. Zero, nada. NO CHANCE!

Where does that leave you and me?

Nowhere. We are where we are with only downside potential.

There is no place for me to go if you make me a bad person.

A liberal Jewish friend classed me as a Nazi the other day because I’m not as liberal as he would like. Being classed a Nazi by a Jew doesn’t leave me much room to negotiate, does it? In fact, I’m classed among the most despicable scum—because of how I lean politically.

If there is any smidgen of, “I’m tired of this incivility,” then the ONLY alternative is to stop.

My friend won. He ruined me. He ruined us. I’m gone and he’s where? I don’t know, but he’s without me. Are we better off now?

This verbal vanquishing is not sustainable. Play our current rancor forward. This name calling as a negotiating tactic is unsustainable. Society will implode.

What happens if we change the narrative in our society by simply deciding to be nice?

I listened to an interview with Tom Hanks yesterday. The writer apologized for writing a nice article. She said she tried everything she could to find controversy with Tom Hanks so she could have what she termed, “a good story.” After digging for dirt, she found instead a nice man whose niceness touched her deeply, to the point of tears, which Hanks tenderly cared for in the interview.

My takeaway?

I’m going to be nicer. I’m going to start now.

I think as well of Fred Rogers, aka Mr. Rogers, and his neighborhood. He died in 2003 of cancer.

Last year there were two films about Mr. Rogers, one of them starring Tom Hanks. The realm of people who live to disparage, denigrate, and sabotage our heroes sought to find fault. Was Mr. Rogers a closet gay? Was he milquetoast?  Was he one man on camera, another behind the scenes? Was he a pedophile? Addicted to pornography? Unintelligent? Was he legitimate? His program real?

In the end, Mr. Rogers was a nice man.

Of course, it still takes two to Tango. If you are nice and the other person chooses not to be, look for someone else with whom to dance.

My Jewish friend sliced me with his invective. What choice did he leave me?

I am determined to use his incivility to choose niceness. He meant to vanquish me, slicing me deeply, but I’m determined that every drop of blood he spilled will be nice to others. By cutting me, he multiplied me.

Who won?  

If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything.

We are all breathing human beings with beating hearts. It is these rhythms—breath and heart—that we must hold and dance to.

The alternative is horrific!

If enough of us choose kindness, it will be contagious, and if enough of us are contagious, our options will change from zero, to possible, to probable that we can have civil and productive conversation. Then, our collective has a chance to discuss what is before us as people.

First, start with you. If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything.

Yes, yes. But what about this issue or that concern?

Let’s be clear: Until you treat me nice, you have no voice. Treat me nice for long enough to convince me you are sincere, and then we can have a substantive conversation about those issues that we view differently.

Second, inspire others to be nice. The logic is very simple: Without kindness, we are nowhere. With kindness, you and I can show others that kindness is advantageous and contagious.  

Third, let those insisting upon unkindness know that their incivility is counterproductive and unbecoming. This includes your politicians, your friends, the people you read in the media, the folks with whom you work, attend church with, and certainly your family.

Set the standard. Be nice.

In actuality, there are no more disgusting words. We’ve used them all and they’ve rendered us divided. Everyone is equally offended. Covey observed that if you do again today, what you did yesterday, thinking you will achieve a different outcome tomorrow, you are exhibiting a form of insanity.

Stop. It’s time to get off the merry-go-round of incivility. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Two people disparaging one another renders two, offended, isolated people.

Let’s be nice.

The alternative is… well, it’s terminal.