An Interview with Lucifer

Ice by the trail

Ice by the trail

Last week I had the opportunity to interview the devil, Lucifer. He is also known as, Satan, Day Star, and king of Babylon. Here, in three parts, is a transcription of our conversation.  

Good evening, sir. I’m speaking with Lucifer from his branch headquarters close to downtown Fort Worth. He was kind to grant me access without restriction and give permission to reproduce in full an unedited transcript of our conversation. Thank you for your generosity, sir.  

Lucifer is currently king of this world and is seeking the office of King of kings and Lord of lords. He has been from the beginning of time a liar, deceiver, tempter, and accuser without parallel. It is generally agreed that he is the most handsome, beautiful creature ever created. By way of his charismatic personality, administrative prowess, and creative genius he has built an empire of great historical and worldwide influence founded under the title Hell, Inc. He now serves as the company’s President and Chairman with offices and viable concerns worldwide. 

Q          Lucifer, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to visit with me. I don’t suppose there is anyone more qualified to discuss the topic of deceit and deception than you are. But before we begin our discussion of that topic, how did you get into this field?

A           Actually, it began as a limited vision on my part, but has escalated far beyond my wildest dreams. I began a small rebellion in heaven, a place not of this world, questioning the worthiness of God. As you noted, He holds the position I’m trying to usurp. When He got wind of my rebellion He removed me from my position as archangel and forced me to leave heaven along with all those sympathizing with my cause. I had no idea so many would follow my lead, but 33% joined in my rebellion.

Q          You mentioned your desire to attain the position and title of King of kings. Is that your fundamental goal?

A     My goal and primary aim, the cause of which I have dictated to my underlings, is this: To undermine the Kingdom of God and place myself in the supreme position in the universe. This will be done through intrigue and deceit of mankind, God’s highest creation.

Q     Why do you see mankind as your means to this exalted title? It would seem you’d war against God Himself.

A           No, no. God is much too strong and self-assured. Besides, hostile takeovers are out of fashion. We must resort to subterfuge of a more devious nature. His area of vulnerability lies within the heart of mankind. For whatever reason—He says its love—He put all of His relational hopes in one being and called it man. Stupidly, He gave man the freedom to choose between loving Him or being independent. And amazingly, He has invested His kingdom in man’s decision. This is God’s “soft underbelly,” to quote one of your great men, Winston Churchill. This vulnerability is my target.

Q          Lucifer, while you are apparently enjoying great progress toward achieving your goal, there is still opposition to you and your schemes. God has invested His people with tremendous power—the keys to the Kingdom, He calls it. I would assume, therefore, that the plan for gaining your sought-after title is complex to say the least?

A     Well, one might think so, but this is not the case by and large. Complex plans require a bureaucracy, extensive training programs, and the like. We make every effort to employ the simplest approach possible, or as God’s people call it, the simplest attack possible. Astutely manipulated, this is the heart and soul of deceit and deception. There are times when we go to…

Q          Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but I find your last point rather phenomenal. If it wouldn’t be a breach of security, could you discuss in more detail what you mean when you say, employ the simplest attack possible?

A           Oh, certainly. And there’s no breach of security. Besides being as plain as the nose on your face, we have no standard practices that aren’t recorded throughout the annals of history, literally by the volume, not to mention the world’s all-time best seller, the Bible. I digress, but did you know that book has sold in excess of five billion copies? Anyway, even the most advanced management and marketing theories strive for simplicity in their product development. We are no different. While we do have stratagems calling for direct frontal assaults, such as XXX rated movie theaters to tempt the sensual needs, most of our negotiation—that is, temptation—is directed at the simple, mundane areas of life. Granted, it is great to have a big win by enticing a strong Christian into a porn house while he’s away from home on business. But, we have far more success with a simpler approach: compromised values while watching HBO; self-justification for a “small” impropriety; a novel with indiscretions that stick in the mind, etc. Ultimately, these pay off far more lucratively than a large, complex assault. This methodology has been implemented into every conceivable area of life. Porn and lust is but one example.

                Even though I am being candid about our tactical philosophy, our organization is in no danger of losing our market share. Such simplicity is too absurd for the logic of man. He considers himself just a bit too brilliant to be duped by an elementary approach like we employ. He rationalizes to himself, with some influence from my group, that to fall as he does to temptation must mean he is being assaulted by a force more complex than his mind can conceive. Thus, he finds that he…

Q         Pardon me for interrupting again, but I feel I am on the verge of understanding the genius of Hell, Inc. and your operational plan. Can you give some additional strategy to illustrate your point?

A           Sure. In fact, to demonstrate the ingenuity of our plan let me review the three primary strategies Hell, Inc. has developed. In our academy all of my associates become absolutely, unflinchingly proficient in three skills: Impersonation, Character Assassination, and Scripture Quotation. These are referred to as “ICS.”

                We really don’t worry much about those of mankind who are already ours. Because of the Great Coup, what my nemesis calls, the Fall, the inherent sinful nature of those who are mine accepts just about whatever suggestion we propose. It is the Christian with whom we are most concerned.

Q          Why is that?

A           Because they belong to Jesus the Christ. If they can be influenced to live in hypocrisy and disregard for their salvation, then Christ’s kingdom is weakened and my desired position is a bit closer. They are, as I said earlier, God’s “soft underbelly”—mere pawns in my quest for God’s title.

Q     Thank you for elaborating. Now you were saying something about ICS?

A          Yes, right. Impersonation, or the “I,” is simply to deceive the Believer in Jesus Christ regarding who his true enemy is. Even though the sinful propensity for independence was crucified and buried with Christ at Calvary, we see no reason not to impersonate that old nature for our purposes of deception. This way all, or should I say the vast majority, of our marketing efforts—temptations, if you prefer—seem like the Christian’s idea. Impersonation is quite effective. They become introspective and subject to self-condemnation, searching for the cause of their failure while expending great spiritual effort to deal with the hideous “self.” Never mind that their old self was dealt a fatal blow in Christ. Given the approach I’m describing, they think they are generating temptation. All the while it’s us! It is very amusing and quit rewarding actually. This strategy alone has done more for the net profit at Hell, Inc. than any other tactic or product. And of course, once the Christian accepts our impersonation as being his own idea, he’s extremely vulnerable because he has officially sinned.

Q          That is insidious!

A           Isn’t it? I love it! It’s one of our finest implements.

Q          And the second strategy, the “C”?

A          Yes. This is also a remarkable approach. Its versatility makes it cunningly effective. While we do use Character Assassination on Believers—you know, I hate calling them God’s children, the whole hereditary link, and so forth. But, I digressed again, didn’t I? Our principal execution of strategy C is accusation of God to the Believer. This is subtle most of the time, creating a nagging hesitation about His character or motive. It is precisely the same tack I took when I birthed the Great Rebellion and founded Hell, Inc. If you think about it, you hear and read our statements everywhere. In fact, strategy C is proliferating exponentially due to increased stress in mankind’s society. Thanks to strategy C, God is blamed for just about everything man finds discomforting. It is only natural for man to question during stressful times. But to ask the right question, that is the key. The wrong query leads only to equally wrong, and sometimes more troubling, answers. For example, it is common to hear, “Why didn’t God answer my prayers?” when the divorce papers arrive. “Doesn’t He care about how hard I try to please Him?” when bankruptcy has to be filed. “Why me when sickness sets in two days after vacation begins?” and the implication is that God caused the illness, or at least, didn’t prevent it. There are any number of these questions—and they all indict God. I devised each through strategy C and my people deploy them through strategy I. It all seems and feels to humans very natural and innocuous. But with perseverance, the payoff is significant: the adulteration of God’s character.

                Even though the Bible strictly prohibits the concocted belief that God can instigate evil and wrongdoing, it leaves Him vulnerable to Character Assassination through His attributes of control and being all-powerful. Simply stated, if He knows all, and controls all, and can do anything, it leaves His subjects precariously receptive to my question: “Why doesn’t He…?” whatever. Fill in the blank.

                At this time, the church and its theology, and the world and its philosophy, have pretty well adopted the ridiculous notions of God being at fault, man’s vassalage to His whims, and Hell, Inc.’s relative remoteness. If my organization and I are distant, or better yet, imaginary, then we are not responsible. We don’t have anything to do with what man deems unpleasant, unfortunate, or wrong. By clear implication then, God is to blame. And this is the way I want it, for now anyway.

Q     So by questioning God’s character to His children, or Believers, you hope to wear them down, making them vulnerable to receiving your accusations and becoming embittered toward Him.

A           Embittered would be wonderful, but actually if they only sink to a moderate level of doubt and declare a small degree of independence, for the sake of self-preservation, then strategy C has been successful. Christians living independently from God is our goal. When this is adequately achieved, I will usurp my sought-after title.

Q         The final strategy of “ICS” is Scripture Quotation. I recall that you employed this technique on Jesus Christ when He was in human form. Am I to assume that you utilize Scripture today as you used it with Him?

A          Absolutely. In many cases Christians today are no better off with the New Testament than they were without it in Jesus’ day. I mean, they may have it, but unless they know what’s in it they won’t derive any benefit from it. Many of them only know what they’ve been taught or heard. I love these folks. They don’t know a lie from the truth, and by the time they figure out that they are deceived, it’s too late. Often, when folks like this find themselves in a hopeless situation, we suggest that if they demonstrate enough faith in God, then God will be obliged to do what they want Him to do. At strategic moments in their temptation, we quote verses from the Bible. One of my favorites is Matthew 17:20. Jesus’ disciples asked Him why they couldn’t cast out a demon. For the record, one of my employees. He said, “Because of the littleness of your faith.” He goes on to say, “If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for you.” Isn’t that great? What an exercise in frustration!

Q          But, sir. With all due respect, that’s not what the context of that passage says.

A          I know, but that’s not the point. Trying to make God do something by believing hard enough is the point. Of course it’s a deception, but that’s what we do. The biblical ignorance of these folks compromises them. When they start trying to figure out how they got fouled up, with a little guidance from my staff, they realize they are disillusioned about God because He didn’t honor the Scripture they quoted. Who cares if that’s not what He meant? I sure don’t. But in all honesty, let me say this: When Believers mature in their walk with God to where they manage Scripture accurately and with respect, Hell, Inc. is in trouble. So, we are vigilant. Always. God said His Word is sharper than a double-edged sword, and He is correct. For heaven’s sake, that’s why I utilize it so often? But with ICS as a methodological strategy, even though the Bible is sharp and active, deceived Believers are dull. Judging from what I see around me, I believe my chances for success are strong.

Q          Lucifer, you are certainly wise and have devised an insidiously simple and deceptively attractive program. I regret that we are out of time. I appreciate you granting me this plainspoken interview.

A           It has been my pleasure. It is our vision that Hell, Inc. will rule the world one day from God’s throne. The more public relation stunts I can perform, the better. Before we close, I’ll challenge you to watch and observe. Even with my game plan in hand, Believers will look for me in the shadows, but never at home, in their car, while on break, and certainly not at church. They will be my puppets. The sniveling pawns are my conduit to God’s throne. You watch and see!

Thank you again, sir.

I had the opportunity to visit with Lucifer at his regional headquarters in Fort Worth, Texas. If you would like to know more about him and his initiatives, there are multiple passages devoted to him from the Bible. Perhaps the most complete is, Isaiah 14:12 ff. In addition, he and the Spirit of God are engaged in ongoing hostilities over the allegiance of humankind. More on this and the strategies of each side can be considered in the book, No Mercy.